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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

How Do I Know?

“I’m proud of you!”
“I can’t wait to see your dreams come true!”
“You are great!”
“Your life looks like so much fun!”
“You are awesome!”

As I cleaned my house last Sunday, I began to think of these words of encouragement and admiration that I hear from my friends and loved ones often.  I love words of encouragement and I will always be grateful for them… they keep me going.  The problem is I can’t see the things others see in me for myself.  Sad, right?

My cousin sent me a text the other day that simply said, “I’m so proud of you!” and I was completely thrown off guard because it came at such a random time.  My reply was, “For what?!? LOL”.  The “LOL” is a significant part of my reply, because I truly chuckle at the fact that people see so much greatness in me!  It’s not low self-esteem, at all; I’m just trying to see it in myself…

She said that she was proud of me because I have taken a situation (the breakup) that would have broken anyone else, and turned it into something wonderful.  I replied with, “Thank you” and then I began to think…

How do I know that I’m not broken?  Yes, I’ve made the best of where my life has brought me and I’ve made a commitment to find a way to smile daily.  But, still…How do I know?  Writing Table 4 One has exposed me to some wonderful people and experiences; however, I still feel incomplete.  Not because I want my ex, but because I want to be more than independent, happy, single, and alone!  Yes, I’m content… Meaning, I have realized, accepted, and made the best of my life as a single woman; however, I still want more!

Life is not black and white; mine isn’t, at least.  I don’t think that anyone can ever be completely anything… Happy, content, sad, caring, fearful... ANYTHING… Life pulls different things from us, depending on what we are going through, at the time…  I often struggle with the roller coaster of emotions…  Yes, I understand that I have good days and I’m grateful that they outweigh the bad ones, but my issue is who to turn to when I’m not happy, fun, social butterfly, always smiling Courtney.

Sometimes, I don’t want to be “on”.  Sometimes, I want to kick, scream, cry, and complain.  But I think I have conditioned myself not to “go there”.  I’m working on finding a balance, a way to be completely me, at all times.  Not that I’m phony or pretending to be someone I’m not… (Ain’t nobody got time for that!).  But I am struggling with finding a balance.

For now, I’m blessed, happy, content, loved, admired, encouraged, sad, emotional, unfulfilled, envious, confused, lonely, and still finding my way at the same damn time! The journey continues…

Table for one please… finding my way… Love me or leave me alone…

BACK TO HAPPY TIP: Commit to smiling, at least once a day.  It will make the dark days a little brighter!


2 comments:

  1. Oh Courtney! You've done it again. Often times I feel like this too...when everyone expects you to be the 'stable' (using that term loosely), happy one it's hard to just cut loose, kick, scream and cry. If you need an outlet, you know the number. Love ya, boo! :)

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  2. Courtney I so agree. I want more as well. But we need to be careful of the "more" we want. Love your perspective on looking on the bright side of a bad situation.

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